Guidance, por favor.

[abuja]

So, I know we have several writers on the forum (yeah, I'm looking at you, wilomn ) and I have a short story due on tuesday for honors english. Anywho, I finally started work on it on saturday (procrastinate much?) and finished it about 5 minutes ago. I'm just looking for some people to point out both mechanical and content related errors before I hand in my final copy in 2 days. Please don't be afraid to be harsh! I can take it; trust me. Also, any title suggestions would be appreciated. Without further ado, here we are!


Her eyes grew wide as the looming steel behemoth appeared on the horizon. He, on the other hand, appeared to be a hunchback with crouched posture at the sight of the amusement park. The bus rattled over a bump on the highway, and his head hit the window with a reverberating thump. He winced but relaxed his face as she turned to see him.
“Are you excited?” she said. Her mascara was perfect that day; her eyelashes curved upwards and barely grazed her eyebrows.
“If excited means scared ****less, than yes, very,” he said.
“Relax. At least you’ll be having fun if you die!” She laughed at his irrational fear of roller coasters.
“Thanks.” His throat was dry and his voice scratchy. “For the record, you’ll be riding that alone.” He motioned to the several hundred foot tall ride as the bus rolled towards it. She placed her hand on his black t-shirt; a whiff of cherry blossom perfume wafted into his nostrils. He quickly breathed in through his mouth.
“You’ve got to get over this stupid phobia! You told me yesterday, ‘Hannah, don’t let me chicken out no matter what’ and I promised I wouldn’t. I intend to keep that promise.” Hannah glared at him with light gray eyes. She cocked her head to the side and raised her eyebrows.
“I didn’t mean it!” He tensed his shoulders and faced her directly.
“You said you’d say that.” She smirked at him as she crossed her arms. He groaned and hung his head.
“Fine.” The two sat in silence, one peeking over the top of the seat in front of her to see the ride, the other hyperventilating next to the window.
“Here we are. Please exit in a single file line, calmly and quietly,” the bus driver said with a prominent southern accent. She rolled her eyes and sighed obnoxiously. Hannah and he sat at the front, a result of her shoving friends out of the way earlier that morning. She leaped up and grabbed his hand with all of her muscles tensed and ready to go into overdrive. He got up as if going to his grave, but was soon pulled down the steps and to the front gate.
“Hurry up, Liam, we’ve got to be first in line,” Hannah said, tapping her foot as he slipped on his jacket. “Six Flags Magic Mountain, here I come!” The moment he got his right arm into the sleeve, they were running once more to the giant metal monster. Liam shook his head as he saw the roller coaster’s true height and he dug his heels into the black pavement before Hannah could drag him into the park.
“Nope, I’m not. I’m not doing this. No way in hell.”
“You want to get over this, right?”
“I guess, yeah.”
“Well, I’m going to ride it now, so you can either hang back here for the next two hours, or you can ride this coaster and prove that you’re not afraid.” She let go of his hand and continued on her way. He clenched his teeth and looked up at the sky while she strode into the park.
“Wait, wait, wait! I’ll do it, okay? Happy, now?” As soon as he caught up to her, his pulse skyrocketed and his cheeks grew red. He was actually going to plummet to the earth at 70 mph in less than an hour.
“Yes. You know it’s 207 feet tall, right?” She smiled at him, revealing her pink and yellow colored braces.
“I’ve been told. By you. Actually, I’ve been told by you about fourteen times.” Hannah grinned at the ticket salesperson as he handed her two one day passes to Six Flags Magic Mountain.
“You ready?”
“Sure.”
“It’s a long walk to the back of the park, but you’re probably already aware of that.” Hannah gazed in awe at the height of the rides surrounding them, but her line of sight returned to the crown jewel the length of a football field away. Liam followed her eyes and grimaced.
“I have to, don’t I?”
“Ride it? Duh,” Hannah said. “Do you like anyone?” She cringed at the lack of a transition.
“Hannah, we’re sophomores. I think we’re past the maturity level of 6th graders. And no.” He flipped his hair out of his eyes and Hannah pulled her pink tank top down. She bent her head down to watch herself walk, right foot, left foot, with yellow flip flops.
“Hmm. How long have we been friends? Now?”
“Three years, since 8th grade. Why?”
“Umm…I don’t know, just making small talk.” She looked out of the corner of her eye at Liam as he glanced over at her. They both looked forward and narrowly avoided walking into a cotton candy stand. Hannah swerved right as he went left until they met on the other side. They were confronted by a sign that read “Queue Line for Death by Adrenaline.” He looked at her with wide eyes, and she at him with a goofy smile. Without a word, they both walked in between the railings separating them from the roller coaster’s enormous supports with circumference comparable to a car tire. A train of the roller coaster rushed by them and blew Hannah’s brown hair into her eyes. She stopped walking and flailed her hands in front of her face in an attempt to see what was happening. Liam plugged his ears as the roller coaster shook the sidewalk.
“That wasn’t frightening at all,” Liam said, watching her struggle. “I changed my mind. I don’t want to do this.”
“What? Come on, do it for me,” she said. She pouted her lips and let her eyes work their magic. He tilted his head back, groaning, and stepped forward before they saw the end of the line and slowed down next to the teal pond. She tapped her foot quickly and rolled her eyes at the slow ride attendants.
“This will take forever. It’s not worth it; let’s just head back to the cotton candy.” Liam crossed his arms in a desperate attempt to avoid riding Death by Adrenaline. Hannah glowered until he gave in and relaxed. “You know that these things are not structurally sound. It goes against physics how people don’t die on roller coasters.”
“Physics is how they’re built and why people don’t die on them. I’m a fanatic; trust me. We’ll be all right.”
“How are we held in our seats, Hannah? Answer me that.”
“There’s a plastic restraint that comes up between your legs and spreads out on top of your thighs. It’s all automated and run by robots, so no chance of human error.”
“Okay. You win that one. But how do they not come off the track?”
“There are four wheels to each car. There are two on top of the track, two on the bottom with a metal connector between the two around the outside of the track so it cannot move at all.”
“So? There’s still room for malfunction.” Liam scoffed, but he still moved up as several more people were loaded onto the ride.
“Chill. If something bad happens, you’ll be having fun when it does. Not that something bad might happen.” She linked arms with him and leaned her head on his shoulder. They reached the stairs that led to the station. “We’re gonna go up these stairs, get in our seats, ride this thing, and get off it in five minutes. You alright with that, Liam?” Hannah spoke slowly and deliberately, careful not to spook her friend.
“I’m fine.” He wiped the sweat off his forehead. Hannah rolled her eyes and shook her head.
“You’re not, but you will be.” Hannah grabbed his hand and yanked him up to the loading area as he protested. The train pulled out of the station and headed up the 207 foot lift hill. Train number 3 arrived just in time for Liam’s limbs to turn to jelly. He shook as he watched her board the train and watched himself from above be led to his most certain doom. He sat in the red seats and examined the restraint bars and all of the little nuts and bolts holding it together. The ride attendant came by and pressed the black bar snugly onto his lap. Liam pressed down more on it and gripped the handlebars until his hands ached.
“You aren’t ready at all, are you?”
“Nope.” Liam shook his leg and tried to get it comfortably resting on the floor of the train. He looked around at the people’s faces around him and thought what a pity it was all of these people were going to die. A man in a glass box yelled something inaudible through the speaker and the train lurched forward. Sitting in the middle row, Liam could see the train latch onto the chain that would pull them up to the top.
“Liam, that clicking noise is the sound the train makes when the mechanism preventing us from rolling backwards hits the chain, okay?” Hannah put her left hand in the air and grabbed his with her right hand. They were halfway up. Liam peeked at her but quickly returned his attention to the skyline creeping towards him. The screams of the front row from arriving at the top echoed down to the two friends anxiously awaiting the ride. He pressed his back against his seat and closed his eyelids. Before they plunged to the ground, he opened them for one last fleeting look at the steep drop.
“Oh no…” Liam said.
“Yeah, baby!” Hannah shouted. Then they plummeted down. Liam’s screams were of fear, whereas Hannah’s were of excitement. Both of them were getting a heavy dose of adrenaline at this point, but only she loved the feeling. Another drop was after the first. His stomach flew into his parched throat and choked him so he couldn’t scream for the rest of the roller coaster. Finally, the brakes kicked in and they flew forward, almost banging their heads against the seats in front of them. Liam gasped for air and found it as rewarding as water when you’re dehydrated.
“See? That wasn’t so bad.” Liam looked at her like you look at someone who has just said the sky is purple.
“Ugh huh.” He tried to squeeze out a sensible sentence, at which Hannah laughed. Their train suddenly pitched into the station. They staggered off and down the stairs. Liam pointed at a bench hunched over with his hands on his knees.
“You all right, buddy?” She put her hand on his shoulder.
“Yeah. I’m great, actually!” Liam snapped out of the daze. “That was the most fun I’ve ever had! God, that was great.” She chuckled and smiled at him, amazed he actually liked the roller coaster.
“Are you a convert?” Liam laughed and nodded. He turned around to watch train number 3 start up the lift hill once again. It rocketed down the first hill and swung up into a tight helix before another hill. The track was violently shaking under the weight of the steel behemoth. And then the supports collapsed to the earth as the train roared around its final corner.

[tonkatoyman]

Good story, and well written. I only found two boo boos that I can spot. One is the use of than instead of then right after the scared ***less. the other is similar but now I can't seem to find it. However I will say that I did not look at punctuation as that is not one of my strong suits. I will make a suggestion though. When you write leave enough time so you can lay the piece down for a day. Then go back and read it for yourself. You will find places where you would like to change things for the better. If possible do this several times. Each time you read it look for areas where you might elaborate better, use different descriptive words, or simplify because the statement is hard to follow. However the story is good as written.

[abuja]

Good story, and well written. I only found two boo boos that I can spot. One is the use of than instead of then right after the scared ***less. the other is similar but now I can't seem to find it. However I will say that I did not look at punctuation as that is not one of my strong suits. I will make a suggestion though. When you write leave enough time so you can lay the piece down for a day. Then go back and read it for yourself. You will find places where you would like to change things for the better. If possible do this several times. Each time you read it look for areas where you might elaborate better, use different descriptive words, or simplify because the statement is hard to follow. However the story is good as written.

Thank you for pointing out the "than/then" mistake! I never would have caught it. Thanks, I always get my mom and one other person (or bp.net) to edit it and point out things I can't see. I really appreciate your taking the time to read my story!