Do you ever just have one of those friends

[Jay_Bunny]

I have a friend who has a really unstable life as far as I'm concerned. She's constantly having new relationships and claims she's in love with one person but both her and the other person are ok with an open relationship. Now she's saying she's fallen in love with this other guy and there is drama drama drama.

Now, I'm one of those people who like a steady relationship with one person. Fall in love, get married, have a family, grow old together, sort of thing. My friend brings all her problems like those above to my fiance and I and personally I just never know what to say because I don't have those problems.

I really just don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be moving in with this girl this summer. I can never have a conversation with her about relationships because we believe totally different things about what love is and how relationships work. To her, she can be in love with one person and have a steady relationship with them, but feel ok enough to go and be with someone else. My mind just don't comprehend that and its just so hard trying to be there for her and listen to all her problems.

Any of you ever have this problem?

[AkivaSmith]

I really just don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be moving in with this girl this summer. I can never have a conversation with her about relationships because we believe totally different things about what love is and how relationships work. To her, she can be in love with one person and have a steady relationship with them, but feel ok enough to go and be with someone else. My mind just don't comprehend that and its just so hard trying to be there for her and listen to all her problems.

Any of you ever have this problem?

I am going to give you some advice. But before I do, I want to tell you a true story.

I have always been a sexually active man. When I was 23 yo and in the US Army, I met Aliza. She was the daughter of a rabbi. I totally loved her parents. She was a wonderful person, but she could not commit. When I got out of the army, she moved in with me. We lived together for almost 5 years, and a couple of times while I was on business trips she cheated (with people that I knew!!!) on me. Each Rosh Hashanna I asked her to marry me, thinking that she would settle down once we were married. Eventually, I left her and it was really hard for her, but I had to move on. Within a year I found a religious woman and got married. We have been married 19 years and I have two teenagers now. (I'm almost 48 now.)

My advice:

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THAT WOMAN.

Relationships must be eye-to-eye. You must be able to tell your secrets to the woman who shares your bed, and she must be able to understand where you are comming from. Otherwise, you will end up in a messy situation.

This is not two cents worth. This is life's lesson speaking. Remember there are three types of people out there.

1) Knows that peeing on an electric fence is not good.
2) Has a friend who peed on the electric fence and told him it was bad.
3) and there are those who just have to pee on the electric fence before they understand that it is bad.

Be a #2, and learn from me.

[Kristy]

Yes I do have one of those friends lol. I know what you mean, I hate drama and most of the time I have no idea what to say to her. I am like you, I have had two serious relationships, the first one didn't work out because of a drug problem and abuse so I left. The second person I married and today is our anniversary But anyway, I just flat out told my friend that I didn't want to hear it anymore. It got so old, I couldn't offer her support anymore because I strongly disagreed with what she was doing and that she was hurting people. I felt bad but I couldn't watch her hurt herself and the people she was with. We are still friends, but I just had to make it clear that I didn't want to talk about her multiple relationships.

So why are you moving in with her? Or did I read that wrong?

[Jay_Bunny]

OH NO! We are not together. We are just friends. I'll be moving in with her in a roommate situation this summer and my fiance will join us in December.

[mlededee]

i have had friends who were very unstable in general--always having a problem, crisis, meltdown, whatever. there was always drama and nothing could ever have a simple solution. to me, it would always seem very obvious--if the problem is this, then you need to do this to fix it. but noooo.

you can give all the help and advice in the world to these people and it won't make one speck of difference. some people seem to enjoy a life of constant turmoil and drama and no matter how much they cry and complain about it they aren't willing to DO anything to change it, to take the steps necessary to change and to fix whatever the issues are.

it has been my experience that in the long run, it is better to cut your losses and let these people go on their miserable way. friends like this are a constant drain on you and while you do care for them and want to help them the fact is, they don't want to be helped. there is nothing you can do to change that and in the end you will be exhausted from trying.

for the first time in a very long time i don't have any friends like that right now, no one that is so needy of me, constantly having problems and drama surrounding them and i have to admit, it feels pretty good.

you really should consider not living with this person--i've done it and believe me, your stress level is only going to increase with every new day and the drama it brings. if you think it's hard to deal with this person now, multiply it by about 50 and you'll start to come close to how it's gonna be once you live together.

[Jay_Bunny]

I'm moving in with her because I don't make much money. I need to get out of my grandparents' house because here I have no privacy. I only make about $200 a week working over 36 hours a week. So I can't afford a place of my own. My fiance is going to start college in the fall and can't work a lot so we won't be able to afford living on our own. Aidan came into the picture because she needed to move out of her mother's apartment and we all decided to split a townhome.

[mlededee]

This is not two cents worth. This is life's lesson speaking. Remember there are three types of people out there.

1) Knows that peeing on an electric fence is not good.
2) Has a friend who peed on the electric fence and told him it was bad.
3) and there are those who just have to pee on the electric fence before they understand that it is bad.

i'd like to add a fourth type of person to the list--the kind of person that i think this girl is:
4) those who know peeing on the electric fence is bad, but do it anyhow, over and over and over and cry and complain about it the entire time but still never stop peeing.

[Kristy]

OH NO! We are not together. We are just friends. I'll be moving in with her in a roommate situation this summer and my fiance will join us in December.

Okay thats what I got from it. I would do like Emily said and cut your losses. It sounds harsh but from the way it sounds, she may even put a major drain and causes issues in your relationship with your fiance in the future. Not saying your relationship isn't strong. I just know exactly how that can be.

[Laooda]

[QUOTE=mlededee]i have had friends who were very unstable in general--always having a problem, crisis, meltdown, whatever. there was always drama and nothing could ever have a simple solution. to me, it would always seem very obvious--if the problem is this, then you need to do this to fix it. but noooo.

you can give all the help and advice in the world to these people and it won't make one speck of difference. some people seem to enjoy a life of constant turmoil and drama and no matter how much they cry and complain about it they aren't willing to DO anything to change it, to take the steps necessary to change and to fix whatever the issues are.



Here! Here! That is one of the most precise things I've read in a long time. Just know, that if you have issues with this person now... that things will bye no means get better bye moving in with her. You haft to make boundaries....
I hope this works out for the best!!!

[AkivaSmith]

I'm moving in with her because I don't make much money. I need to get out of my grandparents' house because here I have no privacy. I only make about $200 a week working over 36 hours a week. So I can't afford a place of my own. My fiance is going to start college in the fall and can't work a lot so we won't be able to afford living on our own. Aidan came into the picture because she needed to move out of her mother's apartment and we all decided to split a townhome.

Jay_Bunny, I know that it is important to have privacy, but please think about what you are about to do.

Here is some more advice (advice is free, sometimes its good, sometimes its not -- you will have to make up your own mind.)

You have a woman who you want to spend the rest of your life with. She is about to start a termendous undertaking (going to college). She will need your support unhindered by an annoying roommate. Also while you are not making a lot of money now, you should be looking for a better job, and doing things to increase your earning potential. PM me for advice on that subject.

If you stay with your grandparents and save your money you will be able to provide better care for your fiance. And that in the long run will be a much better thing than any privacy that you could get now.