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  1. #1
    Registered User FollowTheSun's Avatar
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    Escaping from bad marriage-- my story-- and please share yours too

    Jan 10th would have been my 23rd anniversary with my ex-husband. We were both too young when we got married, and we didn't know each other well enough. My intuition was saying it may not be right, but being young, and his student visa about to expire, we got married.

    He turned out to be pretty horrible. At first we were equals because we were both working, and we did have some fun times, but we also fought a lot. Then five years in, we had our first child and I stayed at home. A couple years later we had our second child. Both kids were planned, but when I was early pregnant with the second he said he regretted getting pregnant, and he gave me the option of terminating. I didn't. He withdrew and I went through a difficult pregnancy on my own, while caring for a toddler. I was on bedrest for half the pregnancy. When I needed to, I would drive to the hosopital down the street and check myself in and they would take me back, stop the labor, and send me home. I had to find friends to watch my toddler because he didn't answer his cell phone. The baby was born very sick and I could not leave her with a babysitter. She was sick for her first 6 years. She is now, thankfully, doing very well.

    So I was stuck. I could not work. He controlled everything. He criticized everything. He turned into an ideal man of his culture, which was to control his woman and children. I was (and am) a good mom, was a good homemaker. He joined a church-cult and gave a lot of our money to it, as well as a lot of his time. We were middle income but could not afford to fix the toilet or get a new dishwasher when the old one quit. He was really cruel with words and used something I now know as gaslighting.

    When my youngest child was 3, I enrolled in my first night school course at community college. I could only take courses one at a time, and I cared for the children/house during the day and went to school at night. When my youngest child was 5 and started Kindergarten I started full-time nursing school. I was very lucky to get a full scholarship to a fast-track program. I was able to attend while the kids were at school. I told my husband if the marriage was not better by the time I graduated and got a job, we may have to get divorced. He didn't believe me. I offered counseling and we went to about 5 sessions but he didn't do the work and was very charming in front of the therapist and denied the troubles in the home to her. We quit counseling.

    I graduated with honors 14 months later. I got hired. I started to save money. I worked a side job doing home health respite care every other weekend. I was expected to contribute to the household income but every month I set aside some for my escape plan in a separate account. My work then helped pay for me to get my Bachelors of Science degree in Nursing.

    Four years later I saved enough to live on for 3 months plus a deposit to an apartment if needed. I also saved enough to hire a very good divorce mediator. I gave him notice in October that the marriage was over, and either he needed to find a place to live by January 1 or I would. He said I would never go through with it, so I looked for apartments. I told him if I left, the kids would come with me until the visitation was settled. To avoid them needing to move schools he said he would leave, but he also never looked for an apartment. I found a couple for him and said I would pay deposit and first month's rent if he needed me to. I offered to let him have whatever he wanted out of the house or to buy stuff to help him set up his apartment.

    On January 1 I went to work for a 12 hour shift. When I came home and opened the garage door, I held my breath. His car was gone. Some of his stuff was gone. He had left a lot behind and the drawers were out on the floor and it was pretty much ransacked. I cannot tell you how much lighter the house felt with him gone, even with all that mess. It felt like finally I could breathe. I could stretch my arms and breathe.

    The mediator was great, and everything was settled fairly. My ex tried to be unfair a few times, but the mediator kept him on track. The divorce was finalized a few months later. I didn't even ask for child support-- I just wanted to be free from him and have him parent the kids half the time.

    It has now been three years. Usually on the anniversary I get angry at how I was treated as I remember things. This year was different. I feel proud of myself at how strong I was. I feel very hopeful for my future. :-)

    I would love to hear the stories of others who have left bad marriages, or who could use a little bit of encouragement or advice to get to that point. Please use this thread to share your stories, too.

    -----
    I wanted to add that at work we had a #metoo movement situation. A male co-worker was so derogatory towards women, would comment on their body parts, and even asked single women out on dates. He was married. Other women were afraid to speak up so I went to HR and told how it was. They did an investigation and he was fired. HR was very supportive of me and the other women. They all thanked me for opening that door for them to tell their stories to HR. If not for escaping this marriage, I probably would have put up with it just like they did.
    Last edited by FollowTheSun; 01-11-2019 at 02:03 PM.
    Our household pets: a baby albino black ratsnake, a 1 year old banana pastel BP, a 2 year old pinstripe BP, a 6 month old very fancy panther chameleon, a hedgehog, two cats, two dogs, two teenagers, a giant light brahma chicken (lives in the school FFA barn with its friends), and a partridge in a pear tree, all well-loved and cared for.

  2. The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to FollowTheSun For This Useful Post:

    Ax01 (01-11-2019),Bogertophis (01-12-2019),craigafrechette (01-12-2019),Dianne (01-12-2019),EL-Ziggy (01-11-2019),GoingPostal (01-13-2019),samsonact (01-20-2019),Starscream (01-11-2019),tttaylorrr (01-11-2019),zina10 (01-13-2019)

  3. #2
    Registered User Jellybeans's Avatar
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    Re: Escaping from bad marriage-- my story-- and please share yours too

    Good for you glad you got out of that situation!

    Sent from my LGMP260 using Tapatalk

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    FollowTheSun (01-11-2019)

  5. #3
    BPnet Veteran Ax01's Avatar
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    that's great! you sound stronger than ever and got some snakes and reptiles to boot!
    ^ Look! My new avatar!!

    Lol 0-7 in footballpythons.net! ugh!

    Wicked ones now on IG & FB!6292

    Seaside Serpents & Exotics (SSEx) clutch one, two and three.

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  7. #4
    Registered User FollowTheSun's Avatar
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    Re: Escaping from bad marriage-- my story-- and please share yours too

    Quote Originally Posted by Ax01 View Post
    that's great! you sound stronger than ever and got some snakes and reptiles to boot!
    My ex strongly disliked pets
    Our household pets: a baby albino black ratsnake, a 1 year old banana pastel BP, a 2 year old pinstripe BP, a 6 month old very fancy panther chameleon, a hedgehog, two cats, two dogs, two teenagers, a giant light brahma chicken (lives in the school FFA barn with its friends), and a partridge in a pear tree, all well-loved and cared for.

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  9. #5
    Registered User Jellybeans's Avatar
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    Re: Escaping from bad marriage-- my story-- and please share yours too

    Quote Originally Posted by FollowTheSun View Post
    My ex strongly disliked pets
    Not liking pets just proves he's a jerk!

    Sent from my LGMP260 using Tapatalk

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  11. #6
    BPnet Veteran Sonny1318's Avatar
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    That not a good story to hear, but I do really like the ending. Best of luck from here on out!
    1.0 Black Pastel Pinstripe
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    1.0 Hypo Super Enchi

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  13. #7
    Registered User Dianne's Avatar
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    Re: Escaping from bad marriage-- my story-- and please share yours too

    A great and empowering story. Thank you for sharing.
    Duncan - 1992 0.1 Colombian redtail;
    Hudson - 1988 1.0 Colombian rainbow;
    Yang - 2002 1.0 Corn snake;
    Merlin - 2000 1.0 Solomon Island ground boa;
    Eli - 1990 1.0 Normal ball python;
    Buttercup - 2015 1.0 Albino ball python;
    Artemis - 2015 0.1 Dragonfly ball python;
    Orion - 2015 1.0 Banana Pinstripe ball python;
    Button - 2018 1.0 Blue Eyed Lucy ball python;
    Piper - 2018 0.1 Piebald ball python;
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    Sabrina - 2017 0.1 Mojave ball python;
    Selene - 2017 0.1 Banana Mojave ball python;
    Loki - 2018 1.0 Pastel Mystic Potion

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  15. #8
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    It's frightening to think how much trouble & pain that a poorly-thought-out marriage can cause, & as bad as it was for you, it actually could have been worse
    had he been unwilling to let you go. getting out of it using your strength, courage & wisdom. You have so much to be proud of & confident going forward.

    BTW, it's especially great that you were able to keep it amicable...it's so essential for your mental health. (I've seen people carry the baggage of hate after
    they split up & it only hurts themselves...)
    Last edited by Bogertophis; 01-12-2019 at 02:25 AM.

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  17. #9
    BPnet Veteran KevinK's Avatar
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    Re: Escaping from bad marriage-- my story-- and please share yours too

    Great to hear. My $0.02 is that you should stop counting your ex-anniversaries though, and reliving this stuff. If its over move on, just let go and start a new chapter. I think it will only help you. Cheers.

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  19. #10
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    I'll bet it's hard to leave it all in the past when you have children to remind you though. And he really should be paying child support...especially since he is
    still in their lives helping to parent them, IMO. I grew up thanks to a strong mom that got very little support from our dad...it sure wasn't easy or fair to her.

    Great that you were able to put a stop to the crap going on at work also. No one wants a workplace where everyone is paranoid to joke around but when it
    crosses the line you have to speak up...first to the offender & then to HR if they continue to offend. It's mostly men who have been getting away with this
    stuff for so long since they are more likely to be in charge, but in all fairness, some women can make for a hostile workplace too. It's just not OK.
    Last edited by Bogertophis; 01-12-2019 at 12:46 PM.

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