A break up over husbandry issues ??

[Abigail23]

So my (ex) owned a bp for about 15 months, after holding her once December of last year I became very fascinated with snakes and got one of my own a month ago. After learning so much through video and all you nice people on this site. I realized there were so many things he did that weren’t correct. Big one was using a heat pad without a thermostat, using those cheap petco non-digital thermometers, not feeding the right size etc I was able to teach him what I learned about thermostats, probes etc etc.


he ordered the things needed and set up his tank and told me this Saturday I can come over and “test out” his husbandry. As in give him my input on it.


Immediately i asked “where’d you place thermostat probe?”


He said he placed it IN the tub under the substrate.From my acquired knowledge I’ve learned this is wrong, and the probe should go under the enclosure sandwiched between the enclosure and heat pad bc the snake has the possibility of peeing or pooping on it and burning themselves.


I’ve told him this several times so I said “no!”


He is very stubborn at times and I told him this isn’t a place where he should be stubborn bc it’s not about what we think* or want* it’s about what our snake needs.


He then replied,
“It’s not about being stubborn you become obsessive and go overboard with thing based on text book knowledge and that’s not how things always work out. There’s ppl that don’t have nearly HALF the items we have and have healthy BP’s. It’s not about me and what I want for her tank it’s what works based on research and evidence I’ve found. There’s other factors involved when deciding where to place the probe. Glass vs plastic. Size of the enclosure etc I decided to put her probe in the substrate on the hot side based on research not because it’s just what I want. I tried your way the first time and immediately the pad (with aluminum foil) was reading 90-92 on the thermostat but pushing out 104+ with the temperature gun. Through trial and error I got the best settings the way I setup her enclosure and have been checking temps since last night until today. So stop calling me stubborn when it comes to this as if I’m just ignoring your advice. This is why I just do shyt my way. If she dies,is sick or anything. It’s on me and only me. Instead of taking your textbook perfect knowledge opinion on it”


And I’m astonished lol.
I was trying to help him better take care of his pet and letting him know putting the probe inside holds a risk of the snake being burned. Never said I was an expert. I’m far from it.


He ended up telling me he’s tired of the stress I put him through and that he’s done. (We’ve been having other problems) but yeah. Thought it was kinda funny out of all the other problems we’ve had THIS is what it took to break up.

Anyways, I don’t have any other herplovin friends so I decided to share ha. Sorry the text is weird

[Dianne]

No need to apologize...sometimes you just need an ear. So sorry to hear about your troubles and the catalyst for this particular argument being a husbandry issue. Break ups are never easy, and rarely reasonable. Best wishes going out your way.

[Florence_Bones]

It sounds like you're feeling very annoyed and at your wits end with this person, and you're also feeling concerned for the snakey. I feel your frustration!

[Bogertophis]

I feel for your situation...some people just don't take constructive criticism very well. If it's any consolation I don't think this is much different than couples who fight
over how to raise their children. That took courage to stand up for the snake's welfare, & they sure can't speak for themselves. Who knows, maybe he'll think more
about this & realize you're right? I hope so.

[Danger noodles]

I’m dying to find a woman that loves snakes! Lol I hope u keep your passion for snakes and find someone who will share ur passion with u without being rude for your want to keep the noodle safe and happy. I just got out of a 13 year relationship with a woman that hated snakes. I bought one the weekend I moved out!!

[Bogertophis]

I'm one of those people that doesn't think anyone should get rid of their pets because their "significant other" doesn't like it (or them). Hey, our pets represent
what we love & value, so if someone doesn't respect & understand that, they don't belong in our life, and for me, it's not the pets that are going anywhere. If
you got rid of a pet you cared about to please a partner, then what else would they want you to change for them?

Keeping them safe to the best of our ability is another part of that, & it's not unusual to be learning new or better techniques...we do that because we care, so
that's a big area to disagree on, especially as they relate to health & safety.

[distaff]

Small things are representative of much bigger things.

I once ended a ten year relationship over a rabbit.
No regrets, either.

[Dianne]

I briefly mentioned this in another thread, but thought it was worth sharing here. Before I met my other half, I was dating a guy that gave me the ultimatum of “the snakes or me”. I’d been keeping snakes for about 4 years at that point, and had 4 snakes (2 Bci, 1 bp, and 1 rescue juvenile burm that I was fostering). I was also in the process of getting a divorce and just getting back into the dating scene. It wasn’t even a question, it was the snakes I chose...much to his surprise. My decision was two-fold, number one was that these were my pets that I was very attached to (two of which I still have). However the second reason was equally important, his ultimatum was a control measure...if I do this thing, then I earn his ‘love’. I was young at the time (24), but luckily recognized the move for what it was...and that if I gave in on this there would be other changes I’d have to make down the road. I was fortunate that he pulled this stunt early on and in such a blatant way.

Now all this said, people get angry and tempers can flare. I’ve said things in anger that I regret, and had others say things to me in anger. It isn’t that you can’t get past those comments and still make things work, but you do have to weigh the whole. I am always an advocate for everyone to take time to look at the big picture. Is the person respectful of you, do they value your opinion, do they treat you well, are you an important part of their life? If any of those answers are no...or you have to justify the way someone treats you...then you need to step back and really look at that relationship. By the same token, can they answer yes to all those questions about your behavior to them? So often we stay in unhealthy or unhappy relationships, but we all deserve better than the status quo.

[Bogertophis]

Beautifully said, Dianne! ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

[Abigail23]

I agree with all of you and thank you for listening to me rant a bit about it. I feel ok, I felt it was a long time coming sadly. It was more then just snake husbandry for sure. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason so I’ll get through it and I’ll be fine