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  1. #11
    Bogertophis's Avatar
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    I sure can't say I've "been there" but I'm proud of you Helon, Craig & anyone else who has fought this battle & come out the other side, & I hope you have
    the courage to never relapse. Humans are complicated...reasons to use aren't all the same...and I do think that our life experiences as well as our individual
    brain chemistry & genetics probably do influence who falls into this pit & who doesn't. The main thing is that you scratched & clawed & climbed your way out
    of hello. You'd have to live under a rock (which I don't) not to know how many others have been affected & how many never escape. Awesome too that
    you hold your hands out to others needing help & inspiration.
    Last edited by Bogertophis; 10-04-2018 at 07:06 PM.

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  3. #12
    BPnet Senior Member CALM Pythons's Avatar
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    Re: Addiction struggles?

    Quote Originally Posted by Avsha531 View Post
    Reminds me of a song I heard a while back:
    "I do coke...so I can work harder...so I can earn more...so I can do more coke..."

    My life right there lol

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  5. #13
    BPnet Lifer Reinz's Avatar
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    Re: Addiction struggles?

    Quote Originally Posted by Avsha531 View Post
    Hey Reinz, can't imagine what you went through and are going through here, I can certainly relate and my heart goes out to you.

    One small thing I would like to point out that may be helpful to you, sharing from my own personal experience. An awareness and understanding of the pain they are causing others will not deter an addict from using. On the contrary, the guilt of it can keep the addict using even more. The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Logically, it makes no sense. A person in active addiction doesn't understand why they keep destroying everything around them, but they have no choice but to keep doing it until they either die or a miracle happens for them. Just felt the need to share that, in sure after what you've been through with your family you understand.

    Keep up the good work Helonwheelz, one day at a time

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    Avsha, thank you for your input.

    Fortunately my daughter truly does want to recover. Because of this we have had hours upon hours of talking honestly between us. While I am only a “normie” I believe my daughter has given me great insight into the mind of the addict and the disease. I try not to be judgmental and I try to be more concerned and understanding.

    I appreciate your words, spot on and so true.

    If I learned anything, it’s that feeding the disease/addiction is THE ONLY priority. Nothing on heaven or earth comes before feeding the disease.
    The one thing I found that you can count on about Balls is that they are consistent about their inconsistentcy.

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  7. #14
    BPnet Veteran Avsha531's Avatar
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    Re: Addiction struggles?

    Quote Originally Posted by Reinz View Post
    Avsha, thank you for your input.

    Fortunately my daughter truly does want to recover. Because of this we have had hours upon hours of talking honestly between us. While I am only a “normie” I believe my daughter has given me great insight into the mind of the addict and the disease. I try not to be judgmental and I try to be more concerned and understanding.

    I appreciate your words, spot on and so true.

    If I learned anything, it’s that feeding the disease/addiction is THE ONLY priority. Nothing on heaven or earth comes before feeding the disease.
    Your daughter is so fortunate to have you in her life, understanding addiction as the disease it is. Growing up in an Orthodox Jewish community, it was very misunderstood and it was considered a moral defect. Always mistreated and kept hush hush. I never knew the answer to the question "why don't you just stop?"

    It was a difficult and painful battle, but there is hope! Personally for me, I am very involved in meetings and such, and for me I know that is what I need and will need forever, and I have accepted that. Been blessed with a life beyond my wildest dreams, and I truly believe that.

    You know, people always talk about needing to hit bottom. I've lost my house, 2 cars, a lucrative career, and was homeless in Baltimore city years ago. I had no money for food, but managed to find the other stuff. That wasn't my bottom, though to all appearances it should have been. My bottom came years later, with a relapse following some clean time. I was lying in my bed at 3am sweating and shaking, in pure terror and agony, and I realized what they said to me about the disease was true, and I really had it. If I wanted what others around me had, then i needed to do what they did with no more reservations.

    I cried out for help, and help came. That was my bottom.

    A little something I'd like to share for you, your daughter, and anyone else about this "bottom" that gets thrown around: hitting bottom is when your life if falling apart faster than you can lower your standards

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  9. #15
    BPnet Lifer Reinz's Avatar
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    Avsha, I like your definition of hitting bottom. It sounds so true.
    The one thing I found that you can count on about Balls is that they are consistent about their inconsistentcy.

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  11. #16
    BPnet Senior Member tttaylorrr's Avatar
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    Re: Addiction struggles?

    i skimmed this thread while watching the show Mom with my family (Anna Ferris plays a recovering addict with kids living with her mom).

    my dad loves seeing someone like him represented as not a monster. my father is an addict; liquor his choice. 3 DUIs back in the day before the laws were what they are now; that's just what im willing to share about him.

    when it comes to addicts and recovery, it has to be their choice to change. there is no "for the children" or "for our marriage;" that's not realistic. it has to be their choice and they need to make it themselves.

    my mother - sick of being abused and seeing someone she loves spiral out of control - said she was leaving him if he did not stop hurting her. she never told him to stop drinking; she never gave an ultimatum; she did what she needed to for her own life and safety

    thankfully, my dad realized what he was throwing away for booze. he took a beat, shaped up and proved himself, and they brought my sister into the world a year later. he was still sober.

    i wouldn't be here if he didn't change for himself. i was born a year and a half later.

    he was sober for ~30 years before a "random" relapse with all my parents' friends ruined that. i was there that weekend, and found out the next morning. i was heartbroken; i thought about how this could be the start of the loss of my father; i ******* ripped into him when i found out. i got mad at his "friends" for doing this to him. i was hurt so bad.

    looking back: i didn't help, and his friends weren't to blame. i changed my approach. the following week(s) i told him i loved him. i told him how great and strong he is. i just tried to love him harder.

    i don't think he's relapsed since, or at least i haven't been told. i get scared at times tho, because when addicts start again they always over-do it and hurt themselves at minimum.

    i see myself developing alcohol dependence. heck, i AM dependent; it is in my DNA to be. id consider myself a functioning alcoholic i guess...the "artist" lifestyle allows me to compartmentalize and normalize it, as i have since college, which i know is my excuse to continue on as i do.

    this was mainly to vent. as i sip a beer. thank you for sharing OP. @craigafrechette you are so damn strong. all of you confessing in this thread are.

    addiction knows no socioeconomic class; no lifestyle or background; just vulnerable people.

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  13. #17
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    My great grand father was a gambling addict. Gambled away the inheritance and savings. The inheritance money was money saved up and passed on by my ancestors who were all farmers struggling to survive, especially during the Mao revolution. He was also an opium addict. After he destroyed everything, he left my great grandmother raising her small kids alone with nothing. Somehow, they all made it.

    But history tends to repeat itself. My dad is a gambling addict though not into drugs. If it was not for my mom who is always smart with her money, he would have gambled everything away and we would have nothing. He did lose our savings and my parents would fight all the time over his addiction. Eventually it got so bad that my mom forced him to choose us or the casino. Now, if you see him today sitting there content playing online mahjong, you would not know that he used to be that kind of person who was addicted to anything.

    I used to be a video game addict. Not as bad as many others I knew, but I was hooked for a couple of years. I quit my job, played the moment I woke up until I fell asleep on the keyboard (almost 12-14 hours per day) and wants nothing to do with having a social normal life. World of Warcraft was my drug at the time. It was not like I was doing anything fun in the game: most of the time, I would just go from town to town doing nothing. It was boring but I could not just stop. Eventually, I played less and less, I don't recall why but I think I forced myself to get involved with real life again, finishing college, getting a fulltime job, etc. The game that was boring to me, finally I felt that boredom and I realized what the heck am I doing to my life?

    I also dranked a lot. Like daily. I was hiding beer from my parents. My ex was a drunk and unknowingly encourage each other's behavior. I no longer drank for fun. If I did not, I would feel sick. I was borderline, getting there to be a full blown alcoholic.
    That stopped abruptly after my niece lived with us. My sis wants nothing to do with her for the first year of her life so I raised her with my parents. I could not drink around her and she was my motivation to stop.

    In South FL, the pill epidemic is real. One of my neighbors is almost always found passed out on her porch. She is a retired RN. Another neighbor of mine drinks and picks up random men because she is too wasted to care. Another one around the corner was a veteran who sells pills. Another one drinks a lot too but gets into fights so not unusual to see the cops called after every party. Just too many to count and I live in a decent, gated good neighborhood.

    My job as a paralegal in the auto insurance defense takes me even closer to what these pills are doing to the community. I have 1 case where the Plaintiff died from pill OD. Another case where my client was so high on pills she passed out, crashed into the Plaintiff and pretends all is well. I have at least 5 cases where the Plaintiffs are obviously on pills, some high on cocaine, showing up to their depositions slurring their words. It did not help at all that it is the doctors' fault. Some of these doctors are pill mills. What started out was a minor impact where the patient may only need a lower dose or OTC aspirin for pain, these doctors exaggerate their injuries to build their case and writes a script for Oxys. Some patients who don't really need surgery are recommended for surgery, and that is another way to get hard pain meds. That is how these patients get hooked. Fortunately they finally changed the law recently to restrict the dispense of such pain meds. The sad part is we will have to live with the damage these doctors caused for decades to come.

    Addiction harms all. One way or another.
    Last edited by Cheesenugget; 10-05-2018 at 01:54 AM.

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  15. #18
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    I'm so happy to see this thread pick up steam. The more people open up and share, the more people will understand. And, like I said, I do it in hopes that maybe one person finds the strength to talk about their struggle, to ask for help, whether for themselves or for a loved one.

    This disease is cunning, manipulative and holds no reservations. The only way to begin to end the suffering is to raise awareness. The people suffering aren't just miscreants, black sheep, lowlifes or trouble-makers. They aren't morally or genetically wrong. They are people. Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, husbands, wives, friends....cooks, carpenter's, lawyers, nurses, mechanics, accountants, teachers, grocery store shelf stockers.
    This disease doesn't pick off the weak like some people seem to think. And it's never as easy as "why don't you just stop?"
    The answer: "I cant". And for the thousands that die every day, they couldn't. But with awareness comes understanding. And with understanding comes help.

    A good point was raised earlier that I'd like to follow up on:
    As the addicts, we don't care who we hurt. And on some level that is very true. But it's important to say that I never stopped caring that my mother went years without sleeping peacefully through the night, or my father was ashamed of me, or that my brother, my best friend, was afraid to ask me to be his best man when he got married...
    I knew what I was doing to my family...and it broke my heart. But it also fueled my addiction. I tried every day to die, so that I wouldn't have to face my family and say "I'm sorry".
    ...thankfully, I lived. And when I said I was sorry, I meant it. And my family has forgiven. It's been almost 6 years...and I just recently got a text from my father that said he was proud of me, proud of how far I've come. And he closed it with "welcome back, my son".

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  17. #19
    Registered User Helonwheelz383's Avatar
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    Re: Addiction struggles?

    Quote Originally Posted by craigafrechette View Post
    A good point was raised earlier that I'd like to follow up on:
    As the addicts, we don't care who we hurt. And on some level that is very true. But it's important to say that I never stopped caring that my mother went years without sleeping peacefully through the night, or my father was ashamed of me, or that my brother, my best friend, was afraid to ask me to be his best man when he got married...
    I knew what I was doing to my family...and it broke my heart. But it also fueled my addiction. I tried every day to die, so that I wouldn't have to face my family and say "I'm sorry".
    ...thankfully, I lived. And when I said I was sorry, I meant it. And my family has forgiven. It's been almost 6 years...and I just recently got a text from my father that said he was proud of me, proud of how far I've come. And he closed it with "welcome back, my son".
    Couldn't have said it better myself! That was far and away the biggest hurdle for me. For the most part I was easily able to forgive whatever wrongs I perceived were "done to me." Forgiving myself was a whole other set of problems. I was aware of most the pain I caused and still kept on going. That filled me with so much guilt and shame that I would use to deal with it and in turn would add that much more "evidence" of how terrible of a person I was and would have to use more to deal with those added feelings. It was paradoxical and the cycle just kept repeating itself. It's like I was on a mission to punish myself for anything and everything I've ever done. I even internalized childhood experiences and traumas and twisted it so that I felt I even deserved or was to blame for those events. I thought I was the only one that felt that way and after getting involved in recovery I found that it is an extremely common theme among addicts. I was in a lot of pain physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and these chemicals took that away and helped me feel ok even if only for a short time. There's a 12 step saying that "I found a solution, and the solution was the problem." It couldn't be more accurate. I was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts which would be relieved almost instantly. It works great for a while but by the time I knew I was in trouble it was way too late. It had it's hooks in me.

    I don't have any children. I can't even imagine how tough that would be watching my children struggle with addiction. I put my mom through so much that a couple years later we are still rebuilding that relationship. There's many layers there and things get very complicated especially when co-dependency becomes a real issue. She did enable for quite some time, and when she came around it was very helpful. She sat me down and told me that she was done with me. She told me that she loved me and respected whatever decisions I made, but she wouldn't watch me kill myself anymore. If I needed a ride to meetings or somebody to talk to I could count on her to do anything and everything in her power to assist me, but if I needed money or anything else that could possibly enable then it was out of question. I needed to hear that and know that those boundaries were crystal clear and would be enforced period.

    In the beginning I was shy and reserved about my experiences. I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I was somehow morally broken. Slowly that paradigm shifted for me. I've realized how much others sharing their stories has helped me and will shout mine from the rooftops if it can help just one person. The stigma of addiction is slowly changing and it wouldn't be fair of me to not do my part and pay it forward. Most addicts have experienced incredible pain and are just doing what they can to cope. I thought for the longest time that I just needed to quit getting high and everything would be sunshine and rainbows. Boy was I wrong. The using for me was just the main symptom of the underlying issues I had going on and that was what I had to treat. After beginning that healing process is when the constant obsession to numb out began to fade. It's been and still is at times a hard fought journey, but it sure is worth it. Thanks everyone for sharing. It's one of those things that usually isn't openly talked about. I live in Utah. We have been hit hard by the opioid epidemic and there is a lot of church influence here as well. It's a taboo topic and gets swept under the rug as if ignoring the problem will help it go away when in reality it's a massive issue that's only getting worse. I feel like once we face addiction and expose it for what it really is then we can truly start to deal with it. Thanks everyone for sharing! I love hearing others stories.

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  19. #20
    BPnet Lifer ladywhipple02's Avatar
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    Re: Addiction struggles?

    I can't say I've struggled as deeply as some others have spoken about, but I sank pretty deeply into a bottle after my mother died four years ago. It runs on my father's side of the family, and unfortunately, my father, my sister, and I engaged in drinking our sorrows away together. It's been a very, very long four years.

    My mother was an extremely pure person - she was the glue in our family, our moral compass, one of the strongest individuals I will ever know. We could tell her anything and if she needed to pick us up she would, or if she needed to kick our butts she would. She was our rock when things go hard. And I mean this even for my dad, who saw a couple years of unemployment while she carried the family through with grace and grit. When we found out she had cancer, she had already known it. She struggled with it, alone, because she didn't want to worry any of us. And she died four weeks after we found out.

    It broke us.

    It's hard to explain how much my father loved my mom, but he blames himself to this day that he didn't see how sick she was, that he didn't protect her and take care of her. My sister and I have some of the same guilt; so wrapped up in our own lives that we didn't notice what was going on around us.

    In any case, all three of us drank. Dad would hit up the bars with us on Friday and Saturday, and we go blind on whiskey shots. I got pulled over twice driving home, and should've been arrested. Don't know how I wasn't. I'm glad I didn't hurt anyone or myself. My sister did end up with a DUI that she still has to suffer he repercussions from: increased insurance rates that keep her from buying things she would like to for her kids. She cheated on her husband because she had a void in her life that she thought another man would fill. He didn't. She's still with her husband but they work harder than most every day to make it work. She still drinks as does her husband, and she and her husband still have very volatile arguments at times because of it. I recently got a call from her 13 year old daughter at 2AM in the morning - she was sobbing because her parents were arguing and her dad had told her about what. It was the first Macy knew about her mother cheating. He had told both girls (the other is 9) while he was drunk and angry. That was a very rough couple of days comforting two girls and trying to help them understand that neither of their parents is a monster or wrong or right... that sometimes people are just broken.

    My father brought his first woman home six months after mom died. He started "dating" the second three months later. Then another a few months after that. He bounced around for a solid two years. This from a man who was married to the same woman for thirty-three years, who never looked at another woman, who never spoke about another woman, who still held my mom's hand and kissed her deeply and smacked her bottom when he walked by. It was terribly hurtful to my sister and I. Some of these women would try to get him to take mom's pictures down or remove her stuff. It was super hard, and there was a lot of anger there, which only increased the drinking on all sides because dad felt like we hated him.

    My husband cheated on me during this time, as well (no, not with my sister - my sister and my hubs are EXTREMELY alike but that's another story). He met a woman who was whole where I wasn't, and he wanted to leave me. I honestly can't blame him much - yeah he went about it WAY the wrong way, and that was his choice. But I was cutting him out of my life. Anytime he would try to talk to me about it, I'd get angry and lash out and belittle him. Every tiny little thing he did was wrong. Even when he'd try to clean the house for me, he didn't do it well enough. I couldn't see past my own loss, and the suffering of my dad and sister. I couldn't see how he was suffering too. During this time frame where we were deciding to be a couple or not, we both drank even more heavily. We engaged in destructive behavior together - I won't go into details, but I have two holes in my walls at home (one is mine, the other is his), and one night when I got in his face screaming at him, he shoved me backwards and I fell.

    I think that was his rock bottom. I'll never forget the look on his face. He was devastated and broken that he had done that. To be honest, it was a huge wake up call for me as well. I wasn't a violent person. I wasn't a cruel person or a selfish one. I was becoming someone I didn't like, and pushing someone I loved to levels of desperation and anger so deep that he was breaking boundaries he never imagined he could.

    Long story short - we went to marriage counselling, as well as seeing our own personal counselors. We're still together, and we still go to counseling when we feel we need it. We don't drink anymore... I'll have a glass of wine here or there, but that's it. Per counseling, we came up with "safe" words for use during arguments: if one of us says our safe word, the other person knows that we've crossed a line and it's time to walk away. I still question our relationship. He still questions it. We talk about questioning it together, and have had to relearn why we love each other, and why we got married in the first place.

    All of this because of alcohol.


    NOTE: my dad has stopped drinking and jumping around from woman to woman. He actually found a very awesome lady from our home town who survived an abusive marriage. She raised two boys on her own when her husband went to jail, started her own business, knew my mom and respects her stuff, doesn't mind the pictures or when we all share stories about her. She's pretty awesome and I'm glad he's found her. There's a sense of peace with him now and it's helping us all heal.

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