I don't know if this is the right place...but if not here where?

[nachash]

Something about the interest we all share in snakes and reptiles makes me feel like this is a community. It's more than a hobby for most people as so many of us find solace in our animals. But it's also noteworthy how people on here care about other people's animals like they care about the people who own them. So, I guess I feel comfortable sharing. Sometimes it is hard because I don't want to come off as using my experiences as a basis to gain excess attention, but I found this forum, read through it and found people to be quite sensitive here.

I don't have exactly the same journey, and trust me it wasn't voluntary in the slightest.

I am 24 years old. At the age of 8 my mother died of breast cancer, leaving my father, older brother and myself. My brother was 12 at the time. She passed away a week after Mother's day. That gave me a pretty particular childhood, as I was inundated with attention that I didn't quite want, and most of it came in the form of pity or sympathy (at least from my vantage). My house was also always so quiet, empty and boring growing up, so I spent most of my time in the backyard creek watching frogs and minnows. In fact, I was outside at the exact time of my mother's death, playing in the creek. She decided that at 8 it was too young, so I missed it.

More recently I went through a further loss with my father from colon cancer last year, a week after Father's day (I am serious). He was an retired JAG officer, so thank goodness he was covered at the VA. For my mother, she was diagnosed while my father was between jobs, and our family without health insurance. The economic toll of breast cancer on my family was only second to the emotional toll. It affected me for the rest of my life, up until college when I fewer options.
My father's diagnosis came during my junior year. I had to take time off twice throughout my education to move back home and watch my father and tend to his needs as he went through chemo. I had to clean up the family house (which hadn't been cleaned out in far toooo long) while also visiting my father in the hospital as he lay dying.
Basically, I feel like I am stuck in a Charles ****ens novel, and given my experiences in high school English I don't relish the opportunity. Sometimes I make a crass joke about how I am one step closer to being Batman, but I do that only to cut the tension that materializes.
I am at the point where hearing older people tell me "You have the rest of your life ahead of you" almost puts me in a panic attack because the proposition of having the rest of my life still ahead of me makes me wonder what else can go wrong. I worry about having kids because I feel like I am a ticking time-bomb, so I am scared to leave behind kids, but I am also scared of passing on a higher risk of cancer to them.
I try hard to have a good disposition throughout the day, because I hate inflicting myself and such on others who would be otherwise happy. But always I'll think about not having parents, not having the advice they'd give, not having them bicker at me for having bugs in the house (strange how one comes to miss certain things in particular).
It took me two years to tell my dad I had a snake. I always hid it from him when he came to visit me, and when he finally found out, the disgruntled, grumpy, but curious face he made was classic. He asked to see the tank, I asked if he wanted me to take it out and he said nope! But from then on he asked about how it and my other pets were doing because he knew I cared about them.
I guess why i was unsure about posting this in here was because I don't have a defined journey I aspire to. I wish I had a concrete goal at this point but I don't know. I've grown pretty cynical because this isn't the first time I've been treated to, "Time heals all wounds," "He's in a better place with God now," "Maybe you should find someone to talk to," "God has a plan," "God doesn't give you challenges that you cannot overcome."
In reference to the last one, I say "I think God has too high of an opinion of me."
But that's been my struggle, and it has been sucky, and cancer should go (fill in something so obscene and brazen I'd get kicked off the forum) itself.

[JLC]

Wow. I'm touched that you would share so deeply of yourself here. There aren't words that can make things "all better", although we always wish for them.

I would like to try to address one specific point you brought up and offer some practical thoughts, if you don't mind. If you do mind, you can skip this next part.

You mentioned how reluctant you are to consider having children in the future, because of the fears that your own life experiences have ground into you. That is something I can completely understand. Fortunately, whether or not to have children need not be anything that has to be committed to at this time in your life. Maybe someday, things will swing around another direction that you never expected and you'll find yourself feeling far more confident in making that decision, whichever option it might be.

What I would suggest to you, rather than worrying about whether or not you have your own children, is for you to reach out to children in the world that are already here. There are children all over the world, including our own "happy" little neighborhoods, who are in desperate need of a friend, of compassionate understanding, of guidance, of a mentor, or just for someone to hug and laugh with them. Look around for opportunities to volunteer. Based on your words, you seem to have a degree of faith in God...if so, pray for those opportunities, that He would lead someone to you that you can reach out to and be a positive influence for. When we get our eyes off of our own challenges, hurts, and fears (and we all have them, even if they are different) and work instead to help someone else alleviate theirs, we find healing and strength we never knew was there.

Whatever you choose to do, I do wish you all the best, and won't offer platitudes about closed doors and open windows or silver linings or divine plans.

[Kensa]

Those are some really great words of advice Judy.

To the OP, I have had some similar experiences in my life. My father died from surgical complications only 11 months after his younger sister (my aunt) committed suicide. Then less than two years later an uncle on my mother's side died in a car crash. He was a long haul truck driver and was in the sleeper talking to his wife on a cell phone when his partner rolled the truck and it killed him. This all happened from the time I was 11 until I was 14 (I was 12 when my father passed away). Looking back, I feel I spent a large majority of my childhood grieving and attending funerals.

Growing up on a large farm, with an older brother and a younger sister, my mother decided she wanted the farm life to be an option to us three if we so chose to take it over once we grew up. She stepped up and took on all of the farm work upon herself (no small feat). Not only did this mean my mother's free time became non-existent, but the three of us had to grow up quickly and basically learn to take care of ourselves and each other. Most of my summer vacations from school growing up consisted of driving farm equipment for 12 or more hours a day every day of the week doing as much farm work as I could so my mother wouldn't work herself into an early grave.

I am now 27 years old, have successfully put myself through post secondary receiving a Bachelor's of Science in Engineering (thanks to a LOT of student loans which I will be paying off for a lot of years to come).

Going through these experiences does make a person think of the hardships people go through, and if I would be able to put my kids through the same grief if I were to die at a young age. But I also believe that I am the person I am today because of these experiences. It has instilled in me a hard work ethic, good morals, and to never take anything or anyone for granted.

Try not to put so much emphasis on 'what else can go wrong' in the future. I did this for a long time which caused a terrible bout of depression. As hard as it may be at times, you must look to the good in life. Spend time with the close friends you have, or your older brother and create lasting memories with those you hold dear.

As for being a ticking time bomb, or passing things on to your children, this is something that you and your partner can discuss together when you have the 'do you want kids' talk. Having someone who you can be open about these issues with may be very beneficial to help ease your anxiety about it. No need to stress yourself out over issues that may not come to fruition for a few years.

Sorry if my rant was a little unorganized. Sometimes it is hard to gather all your thoughts in an organized way. I know the world can feel like a lonely place when so much has been taken from you, but know that there are others out there like yourself, and if you ever want to talk about anything, feel free to PM me.