Checking Myself In?

[Archimedes]

I'm in the process of making the decision now, because if I don't do it now, then when?

I've struggled with depression and self-harm for 8 years, and with anxiety for a little over 3. I'm watching other people move on with productive lives all around me, while I stagnate. I lost the only thing that made living enjoyable, my fiancee. She wanted us both to learn who we are on our own, without being tangled in one another. And I'm realizing more and more that I hate this person I seem to be, even though I don't have much reason to.

I want to be able to love myself, but I see nothing worth loving. I'm a college dropout with two minimum-wage jobs just to pay my rent. I haven't eaten any real food in days, maybe weeks, surviving off of smoothies and rice. I go through the motions of each day, but my heart isn't really in it. Work can help to distract me for a little while, but I come home to the same apartment my fiancee and I built our life in, and her stuff is still everywhere.

So I think it's time for me to get away for awhile. To take some time to focus on me, and who and what I can become, once I learn to love myself. There's a psychiatric inpatient center in town. There's one directly tied to the hospital, and another that's made for longer-term care. I'd be gone for at least a week, maybe longer. No internet access, no cell phone, no work. Just focusing on getting better.

I don't know how I'd pay my rent if I took two weeks off work. I guess I can only hope that providence, and maybe my parents, would step in to help me. Because I need it, more than I could ever express aloud. I need to help me.

I need help.

Thank you for reading.

[swansonbb]

You're making the right decision, and I applaud you for it. I don't doubt that it's a bit scary, but making the decision to seek help is brave. Take care of you.

[nimblykimbly]

You're making the right decision, and I applaud you for it. I don't doubt that it's a bit scary, but making the decision to seek help is brave. Take care of you.

x2 Don't give up on yourself - every person is good and special in their own way. Take the time and don't slack on figuring yourself out. Once you realize your purpose, things will be so much brighter take care - you got this!!

[ballpythonluvr]

I know this has to be a very difficult decision for you to make. I once checked myself into a facility, but I was there for six months because I really needed to be there at the time. I totally understand what you are going through. I had attempted to end my life several times and also did the whole self-harm thing also. I got the help I needed and I am much better today then I was several years ago. I have bipolar and severe anxiety issues as well. You are a very brave person for realizing that you need help and I am very proud of you for doing this for yourself. If you ever need to talk, I am only a PM away.

[Archimedes]

Thank you for your support, everyone.
I'm just discovering that my parents are less in support than I wish they'd be... They want me to go to a facility closer to them. And while I understand that, I really want to choose where I go. It's important for me to do that, I think. And I have things in my life that are harder to just up and take back to Philadelphia with me (mostly my snake, since my mom hates him!). They'll want me to relocate there for awhile. And I don't want to be "the college dropout living in her parents' basement" any more than I want to be anything else.

[DooLittle]

It might be better for support if you are closer to your family. Might also be easier as far as worrying about paying rent. I would consider it if I were you. I wish you well.

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[Archimedes]

I'm signed in to my lease anyway though. No matter where I'm at, and for how long, the rental office requires my money. Unless I find a subletter, which I'm rather reluctant to do because I don't plan to be gone for more than a few weeks.

[swansonbb]

Try to focus on what's important: getting help. Everything else is a distant second.

[wolfy-hound]

If checking into the place nearby feels more right to you, then do it. You can always decide to move closer to your parents later on. You have options.

Until you learn that YOU are a good and worthy person, you can't really love anything or anyone else fully. I wish you all the best in your search and look forward to seeing you online again in the future, feeling better.

[Archimedes]

I'm out of the hospital, folks-- thanks for your encouragement, it really did help. BPNet is such a supportive group, I'm so glad to be here.

I've done a lot of work on myself, and I feel a lot better-- not perfect, but better. I'm still attending multiple intensive outpatient programs, so the work continues.