Depression

[T&C Exotics]

So I have depression that has very odd triggers. I can deal with death no problem. My friends describe my way of dealing with family members dieing as cold because I dont show any outward emotion such as crying or anything like that. I write about my feelings and thats the way in deal with those feelings and that is what actually helps me. My depression is caused from being alone. It seems that no matter how many people are around me I still feel alone and cant find a way to fill that gap. There is no dating scene around here and if by chance i am interested in someone she is either not interested in me at all or ends up being interested in me til she meets some other guy and ends up with him. It has got to the point where i have given up on finding anyone at all bc if i was to find someone something would happen. Ive been single for a year and a half now and in that time i have met 3 ppl ive been interested in and one was a great friend and in her words she didnt want to risk the friendship, one just wasnt attracted to me, and one led me on for 2 months and is now dating my roommate..... i dont know where i go wrong... i care, im honest, im open about anything and everything, i give space so im not smothering or anything like that, i am willing to give whoever im with all of me, i work, i dont do drugs been clean for 11 years, i dont drink... and no matter how i try to be happy with my life as is i cant be.... i dont feel like im a whole person anymore bc of the constant reminders of me being single... in my house i live with 2 couples so that just drives me further down every day... some days are better than others but every night i get the same reminder i always get which me goin to bed alone and everyone else goin to bed with someone. i just dont know how to handle this depression and lately its been gettin worse, to the point i sleep at most 4 hours a night and wake up to the same dreams of me diein alone... and that is my biggest fear.... well i cant think of anything else to say and sorry for the rambling just kinda typed as it came out of my head.

[kevinb]

I oddly used to have those same feelings. I couldn't be without a girlfriend for fear of being alone. I would sit and just get more.depressed because I was sitting there but I didn't have anything else to do. It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist that worked with my doctor that I actually started to get better. I self diagnosed myself with both extreme depression.disorder and manic bipolar disorder....which I was later also discovered by my doctor. I used to cut and burn everyday to give myself some relief. It got to the point where I talked about dying daily and actually ended up in the psych Ward for a day or so till they could calm me down...they finally got me on the right medicine to help me. Trazadone for depression and insomnia, prozak for depression, and abilify for my bipolar disorder. There is hope out there but you can't just sit there and expect the world to fix itself I have learned that the hard way. If you really feel this way a therapist would be your best bet. They really are great listeners and can tell you what's really going on. Hope this helps you feel somewhat less alone.

Kevin Bullis

[T&C Exotics]

I have been going to a therapist, on my third one actually, and all that stuff any meds they put me on actually make things worse and my current therapist says it is all in my head and nothing is actually wrong bc no meds work.... I dont expect the world to fix its self to my standards in any way at all. I know things about myself need to change and that is a daily task and the changes that were needed a year ago are no longer needed and now its just minor things that are not severe at all other than the depression. I can deal with anything except being alone and dont know how to get past that.

[cdavidson9]

I just read this thread.. pondered for quite a while, and couldn't quite figure out the right thing to say in response to something that I have never quite experienced personally. I decided to click back to the forum and wait for someone else to tackle it head on. When I saw there was a response I clicked back and just read what Kevin wrote. I really appreciate your advice that you have given, Kevin.. and I really hope that he listens and takes it to heart. I lost my best best best buddy 2 yrs ago to a suicide. He started acting differently only 2 months prior to him taking his life and I had no idea what or why he was acting the way he was. He was either wired to the point that he could only sleep 2 or 3hours a night or was down in the dumps and didn't feel like doing anything. Before I, or his family or anyone else around him could really put a finger on what was happening, we found him in his house after putting a 20 guage in his mouth. This was the worst day of my life, and no doubt continues to effect me everyday.

Now I am in no way saying that the OP is suicidal in anyway, all I am saying is that if you are strong enough to suspect that there is something going on in your life that you are not comfortable with and you know that you can be happier.. then please, use Kevin's advice. Don't let it get to the point that you feel it is getting worse. I am no therapist myself, but I just know how serious things like this can get from my past experiences with losing my buddy. Hell, it could be something easier then you think to deal with/handle/get rid of. There are people out there that know all about these things and who can listen, and who can teach you how to deal with it. Just promise your friends here at BPnet that you will at least consider finding someone to listen to what's on your mind. It will ease our minds.. and most importantly, it will ease yours. I have never met you, I believe Kevin has never met you.. however we both have had similar experiences relate to us in some way or another -- some more extreme then others.. we care man. Best of luck, and always remember, every day is a mission: a mission to make yourself as happy as you possibly can.

[cdavidson9]

Sorry.. a typed that last message during when you were typing yours. I didn't get a chance to read it until after I posted.

I guess all I can say is read my last sentence I wrote and take it to heart man.

[T&C Exotics]

I take all advice to heart.The biggest reason for me posting on here is because of the poor advice and treatment I have received from therapists. I figure at the very least I will get a different point of view and try a few different things. As of right now I am looking for a different therapist tho.

[cdavidson9]

Just keep at it bro. Whether it is therapy, working at it yourself, talking to family, friends, or strangers on BPnet.. don't ever give up on making yourself happy. best advice I ever took to heart. Hang in there man.. you WILL find someone that you are compatible with someday. Guaranteed it will happen when you least expect it.

Gotta keep that glass half full.

[killerphade310]

Maybe you're trying to hard at finding somebody and should just let it come when it comes,u should try things that make you feel good about youre self like a hobby. I used to have problems trusting people and would feel like animals were the only things i can trust in this world,so i started counceling but didn't really help, after that i got into boxing and thats what i do now , i lost like 80 pounds and now im in the best shape ever , theres always people with positive atittudes in the gym and make you also feel positive .try finding a hobby that has to do with people around that share the same interest.

When it comes to love just let it come , stop looking for it ,love doesnt work that way, i havent had a girlfriend in like 2 years bro and im always positive,theres nothing wrong with me i just like being single i was actually on a date yesterday, so you gotta stop with this negative energy, thats what alot people see about you, how youre energy is , they dont want somebody negative .dude alot of people are amazed of how much positive energy i have because i had a horrible childhood i was raised in los angeles on the poorest side of town .i used too watch how my dad beat up my mom everyday, and how my dad would get wasted everyday, we lived in a small dirty trailer with no money at all after a while my mom left and i havent seen her since , after she left i started living in the streets becuase i was scared of living with my dad. I lost my only sister when i was 13 she actually killed her self in the bathroom with overdoze, my bestfriend was shot in the chest right next too me, and then i started going crazy and i started going the wrong way in life so i did jail time for 2 years and when i was in there i started thinking about how my life would be better if i lived my life right,after i got out my aunt took me in cause my dad disapeared. And now im a totally different person i changed my attitude towards life and decided too be happy cause i cant possibly think that my life could of got any worsier, now i finshed school and im actually doing everything right in life...so what im saying is that most people in this world go threw such much pain and suffering like i did but that just makes you more stronger.

So just keep you're head up and think positive, try to become more social and go explore new places , and i promise man that theres always someone right for everybody and yours will come soon but first fix you're self first:d

[Melody]

i can definitly relate. ive always been alienated from everyone, and felt lonely. it was so bad that now even though ive been in a faithful relationship for almost 3 years now, the mere thought of ever being alone freaks me out so bad i constantly have to be around somebody.... i have just too many issues. im honestly surprised that ive made it through the years. Sounds so melodramatic but its true.

[T&C Exotics]

I know exactly what you mean... With me it doesnt matter how many people are around me or how much i care about them its that i dont have someone for me. I am generally a very happy person til I am alone like at night when I go to bed or something like that but in public no one can tell that im not happy. Anyone that knows me will say im a very happy person... Other than to a therapist and 2 of my very close friends I havent talked about any of this so no one really knows what is goin on in my head ya know. I go at everyday looking for the positive and finding it everywhere. My goal every day is 10 things that make me happy. So I find 10 things that make me happy and focus on them and keep a good attitude all day.... atleast til im alone thats when I cant seem to focus anymore and start the spiral down.