dealing with the burning hate

[mommanessy247]

they say
"if you hate someone, your killing them in your heart."
if that's the case...then i'm guilty of cold-hearted murder a million times over.

you see, i dated someone from july-december of 2000. i ended up pregnant (with my oldest daughter) and when i told him, he wasted no time starting in on our "options".
he mentioned abortion and i said "NO FREAKIN' WAY!" i was raised catholic so abortion was flat out off the table.
then he mentioned adoption and i was like "nope. i'm keeping the baby."
then he got pissed off and expended that anger trying to beat me into an agreement during which i never changed my mind. i was keeping the baby and he'd have to kill me to make it otherwise. once he realized i wasnt going to cave,
he told me not to tell anyone i was pregnant and if anyone asked it wasnt his.
then he decided he needed to leave town.
throughout the remainder of the pregnancy he was constantly promising we'd have our own home and saying we'd be a family and other times threatening me with everything he could think of if i ever hooked up with someone else.
fast-forward:
a friend of mine that was present for the birth of my daughter called him to inform him that i was in labor, despite my making it clear that i wanted no part of him ever coming near us again.
he arrived just before my daughter's arrival but left again the very next day.
he visited 2 times during my daughter's first 2 weeks and those visits were for the most part spent trying to seduce me and when i finally had enough i gave him a piece of my mind. i unleashed all my pent up disgust and hate for him and he even had the balls to sit there with a smug smirk and tell me that i HAD to love him cuz we had a kid together.
i laughed at that and it took some time for it to sink into his thick head that i was serious when i was saying that i would never love him again, amongst other things i need not say here.
months later during our last phone conversation, or arguement, i told him that he could stay gone and i'd find someone who would love us and be there for her.
he said "no one else is gonna raise MY kid!"
i was like "your not! i'm not gonna let you waltz in & out of her life cuz your too lazy to get your head out of your butt and accept your responsibilities!"
i ended that conversation with a very clear and abrupt
"it takes a boy to MAKE a baby but it takes a MAN to raise one!"
and that was the last i heard of him, although i did hear about him trying to get info on me and all my activities from his friends and the people that knew us both. i had told them all that i was through with him and that they were NOT to tell him anything about where i lived.
i ended up swearing off guys and relationships altogether and put all my focus into being a single parent.
now, almost 10 years later, i still feel that burning hate deep inside whenever i have to think about or talk about him. my daughter knows about him now and she does continue to have some questions every now and then and as hard as it is for me to go through it i always try to be as thorough as possible when answering her questions. i refrain from giving her details that she doesnt need to know right now.
but i have had to tell her that if she ever decided she wanted to find him later in life that i could not have any part in that. i want NOTHING to do with him and really do prefer that she not have contact with him either but should she decide that's what she wants to do then i just cannot be involved in it.
i'm not ready to forgive him for the abuse and abandonment but i do need to figure out how to at least let go of this hate. it's making life for me now very hard and i feel weighed down by it.
it's too much of a heavy burden and i know i'll never truly enjoy life if i have that ball and chain slowing me down.
having this hate goes against my very nature as i am normally a very affectionate person, trying to see the good in everything despite the ugliness of this messed up world.
me and my kids are active in church and i'm really hoping that having this spiritual structure will help my daughter grow up to be a confident, self-respecting, contributing member of society. i know alot of that is gonna have to com from how we raise her as well and i think so far we're doing an ok job of it.
i feel truly blessed that my current bf has stuck by through thick and thin over the last almost 9 years we've been together and together we've survived some pretty crazy situations that life has thrown our way.

well, i guess that's all i can say on this for now. thank you to those who've managed to get this far.

[JLC]

It breaks my heart to read something like this because I want so badly to reach out and help, but feel so inadequate to the task. What can I say that you probably haven't heard and said to yourself a thousand times over already? But, I guess sometimes it still helps. I know in my weight-loss journey, it's still encouraging to read about how others deal with the same issues and is always a valuable reminder...adding cement to the lessons I want buried in my own foundation.

What comes to mind when I read your story goes back to the very first sentence:

they say
"if you hate someone, your killing them in your heart."

To believe this is to believe that your hatred is somehow punishing the other person...which makes that hatred seem valuable to you. But this is not true. When you truly hate someone in this way...the only person you're killing is yourself. And without knowing it, you may even be doing harm to your daughter (but I say that very reluctantly because I can imagine that you work very hard to carefully weigh your words about him to her).

The hatred you feel weighs YOU down. It oppresses YOU. It spears your own heart time and time again and leaves festering wounds within your own soul. Should such a small, spineless man be allowed to have so much power and influence in your life? He doesn't deserve that! YOU don't deserve that! It's like he's still beating you up, still intimidating you, still breaking promises. You really DON'T have to allow that any more!

To not hate him does not mean you have to like him...or welcome him...or even acknowledge him in any way. He's not worth your hate. He's not worth your attention. There will come a moment when you realize you really CAN just let go. There will always be scars...residual sadness, regrets. But then you can always look at your daughter and know within the deepest part of your heart that there is nothing to regret because out of all that blackness came the brightest shining light of all.

[dsirkle]

I hate to be so blunt, but- Nobody is free from the human condition and life throws all of us some very tough stuff.
But that was in 2000. This is 2011. If you want to either get on with your life or let the sum of your life to be the dictionary picture of a bitter scorned woman, the choice is yours.

[fishmommy]

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[Nektu]

Any kind of traumatizing event will shape and mold how a person views things for the rest of their lives. But just the simple act of forgiving, even if you are the only person who knows, is the first step of healing and moving on to better things. It's difficult and painful to do sometimes, but it will unload a burden that will feel so much better in the long run.

You will still always be cautious, and the walls of defense will be ever present, but that is what helps us persevere and move on.

[mommanessy247]

MAN i wish i knew how to put tidbits of sentences in my responses like you JLC...
anyhow, it makes SO MUCH sense when you explain the hate thing that way...
i know i will always have choose my words carefully when discussing my daughter's father, to and around her. it's hard though, cuz i so badly wanna spew every hurtful syllable that comes to mind when i think of him but that wouldn't be fair to my daughter.

dsirkle - hence the reason i'm coming here for advice on how to let go of this hate. i dont want to be a bitter old hateful crone. i appreciate your effort to make a clear point as cut and dry as possible but to come at it with a "life sucks sometimes, get over it." view is kind of harsh giving that not every curveball life throws is that easy to get over. if it were that easy there wouldnt be a need for certain medications and psychiatrists and therapists.

i'm not coming here with this to whine or get pity or whatever. i'm genuinely seeking support and advice because i really do want to let go of this hate so i CAN move on and live a better more fulfilling life.

nektu - i know i should forgive him too but i keep thinking that he doesnt even deserve THAT.
to me truly being able to forgive someone involves the process of informing them they're being forgiven and it's a mutual understanding between both parties and then the relationship is improved in some way. it's really hard for me to understand how someone can forgive another person but not tell them. this concept has been attempted to be explained to me at church but it still eludes me as to how that situation would actually work to the forgiver's benefit if the person they're forgiving doesnt even know what's going on...

[fishmommy]

I have rage problems myself, so I can't give any advice. All I can do is understand

[wilomn]

Hate takes a lot of energy if you're going to do it right. It's not worth it.

This guy did some really crappy things to you. That won't ever change. How you think about it can. You don't have to forgive him, you don't have to think about him at all unless you're talking to your daughter about him. And in not too many years she'll understand what he did to you and then she'll understand why you feel the way you do. Honesty. You've got to have to have trust.

I've given hate and hating a bit of thought, this is no spur of the moment flippant advice. You really can decide to let it go, not forgiving not reliving not dwelling on, but living the good life you have now with the good man you have now.

Stop letting the jerk in your past ruin your now and future.

[JLC]

MAN i wish i knew how to put tidbits of sentences in my responses like you JLC...

Easy peasy. Just use the quote tags around the sentence you want to highlight. It will look like this when you type it out.

[quote]Copy the text you want to quote and paste it between these tags.[/quote]

There are a bunch of little buttons right above the text box that you type in. One of them looks like a little speech bubble. If you click on that, it puts the quote tags right there for you to use without you having to type them out...then you just insert your text between them. Or highlight the text then click the button and it will put the tags around the highlighted text.

There is also the "Reply with quote" button. If you click on that, it will bring up your text box with that whole post already quoted for you. And beside that is a smaller button with a + sign on it. That is the "multi-quote" button. If there are several posts you'd like to respond specifically to...you can click that button on each of them...then hit the regular "reply" button at the bottom...and all those quotes will be filled into your text box for you.

And now back to our regularly scheduled topic.....

nektu - i know i should forgive him too but i keep thinking that he doesnt even deserve THAT.

Here's my take on forgiveness...for what it's worth. Forgiveness isn't ever about being "deserved." It's not about doing something for the person who wronged you. It's about doing something for yourself. It's about letting go of the burden you place on yourself to somehow punish the one who wronged you. Whether they ever know you let go of it or not is irrelevant.

For instance...when I was in 8th grade, I went through a horrible year due to the actions of one girl who had once been one of my best friends. Her irrational and never-explained betrayal and hateful actions toward me ruined my life and colored my own self-perceptions for years and years afterwards. To this day, I sometimes struggle against those ancient voices, though they are finally very faint and much easier to blow away.

There came a time in my life, in college, when I was struggling to find peace amid the frantic chaos I'd spun myself into. I was praying for God to show me how to find that peace, to show me what was holding me back. She came to mind. I'd never forgiven her. I still held so much resentment and anger toward her for what she'd done. And at that moment, I released it. Rather than wanting bad things to happen to her, I prayed that God would touch her and help her to know Him. I prayed FOR her instead of ABOUT her. And the peace that came on me was profound. The burden lifted off my shoulders was tremendous!

It was NOT an easy thing to do...maybe kind of like holding on for dear life at the top of a massive bungee jump. You know it's safe...you know it will be thrilling...you know it'll all be over in a matter of moments. The "letting go" doesn't take even a heartbeat of time to happen...one moment you're holding on for dear life...and the next moment, you're falling into wonderfulness. But that choice to let go still has to be made...and it can be hard. It will be SOOOO very worth it when you do!!! I can't even begin to describe how amazingly blessed YOUR life will be when you do. Forget about him...you don't need to do it for him...you need to do it for you, and for your daughter.

I never told this girl I forgave her. Never saw or spoke to her again. And if I ever did encounter her again, I don't believe I would feel any pressure to tell her I forgave her. I'd be civil...maybe even friendly...because I truly don't wish any harm for her anymore. Doesn't mean I'd have to ever trust her again. Forgiveness isn't about trust, or rebuilding anything. It's not about bridges or communication. It's simply about the condition of your own heart.

Let go...and enjoy the ride!

[mommanessy247]

It's not about doing something for the person who wronged you.

yeah cuz i definitely dont want to be doing HIM any favors!

because of the abuse at the hands of my daughter's father, as well as other relationships, it took me YEARS in this relationship with my current bf before i was able to start to trust that he would never hurt me. during that time i was always darn near jumping out of my skin when he'd so much as raise his voice and then i'd just if he yelled. i even flinched and braced for impact a few times during heated arguments fully expecting to be hit and he would be like "what the heck are you doing?!". he finally figured it out and although we've been together almost 9 yrs now i know he'll never put hands on me but i still get nervous when he gets angry, whether at me or not.
ok i gotta pause here. gotta run a quick errand. will finish this up when i get back...