Trust

[wilomn]

There are things that are important, stories, lessons that are picked up as life moves us, as we create, engender, nurture, teach and release progeny of many natures. Trust is one of the most important to me.

Without trust there is nothing. Trust is not a halfway measure. You can pretend it is, but it's not and it will fail.

I know a guy, some of you So. Calers may know him as well. This guy has a couple of kids, bout the same age as mine and an ex that is almost as crazy mine. We have a very similar outlook on raising kids, on a lot in general, but particularly on the child rearing. One of the most important things, as far as we're concerned, is trust. It's the basis for honesty. The two of them combine to make respect possible. Not brown nosing, but actual true respect. Respecting both yourself and those deserving of it. If you're not honest with yourself you yourself know and will not be able to be trusted by yourself which makes self respect out of the question. You can't respect a liar who knows they're lying but won't stop, even if that liar is you.

That however, is not the point. Let me relate a story about this guy I know and something that actually happened to him that cemented this for me.

So this guy's wife, she's an interesting woman. All drama all the time. If things are calm for too long she finds a way to make herself the center of attention. It's really a pain in the ass. She loves her kids and tries to be a good mother, tries pretty hard sometimes, but without this guy I know, those kids would either be in jail or dead by now. Instead they're the kind of kids you'd be proud to have as your own, look for opportunities to boast of their scholastic prowess and goodness as people and marvel that in this day and age of fakery and bamboozlement there are young people who are genuine. Not just genuine but good people. He should be proud of them. He rarely speaks of it, but I am sure he is.

The wife of the guy, as I said, is fond of drama. Like when she tried to take the guy to court to get full custody of one of the kids. The whys of her actions are unimportant for this. That they were unfounded and mean spirited you will have to take my word for.

In Ca. the courts are very slanted towards favoring mothers. Simply because they are mothers. I heard as much directly from the lawyer that handled my own divorce. In the case of this guy I know the court ordered councilling for him, his wife and their offspring in question. The guy I know, he's not a big fan of councilling, saying on more than one occasion that they are by and large f'd up people giving advice to more f'd up people but never really accomplishing anything that anyone who was honest with themselves to begin with couldn't fix on their own. The wife, of course had been seeing councilors since she was a teen. The judge says go, to the guy I know, he goes.

From here on I'll tell it as he told it to me.

You know how sometimes you just know someone is not right? You just know that whatever secret motivations get them up in the morning are not secrets you want to know. You just know they're bad. That's the way I felt the second I saw her, that she was bad.

But, I had no choice. If I didn't go, I'd lose and that would not be good for the kid. Besides I figured, it's only an hour so we should be out in 50 minutes.

She starts off asking us why we're there, with the kid in the other room. The ex, she's all about how much she thinks the kid needs someone to talk to and how much good it's done for her(for the last 20 years). She gets done with the ex and asks me why I'm there. Court order I told her. That's the only reason she asks? Yup, I answer. Don't you think your child can benefit from this she asks?

And away we went....I have no faith in your ability to help, I answered. The storm brewing behind her narrow pinched nose grew visibly darker. Any particular reason you feel that way she asked to which I answered Yes and then nothing more. I knew she'd be compelled to speak, she couldn't not. I had just bearded her in her own lair.

Well, she said, not realizing that the daggers she was shooting out of her eyes were dull and rusty, you should tell your child that you DO believe it will help.

I paused, perhaps for dramatic effect but also to give her a good solid look of disdain and disrespect and asked her if she was saying I should lie. To my child.

Without a pause, not a nanosecond of thought, she said yes, I should.

I knew that would be her answer, and was unsure if I really like being right. So I asked her if she was seriously saying that I should lie to my child, to whom I had never spoken an untruth, which we had spoken of, the child and I and the importance of that never speaking, on many occasions, to enable her to deceive my child into trusting and confiding in her. Yes she said.

And that is why I have no faith in your and most of those in your profession. You lie. You can't be trusted and you have no clue what you're doing. You want me to destroy what has taken a lifetime to build to make your job easier. You want for the rest of our lives for us to question whether what we say is real, if we can be trusted. You're a piece of work lady, a real piece of work.

At this point she started calling me (remember still speaking as if it were I talking) a lot of word, in quite a loud voice. These words started with the letters F and A and B, and B and lots more of the F one, she like that one the most.

That was his last time going to the councilor. He and his children trust each
other without question. That's really important. That is the kind of trust we should all have and be held accountable to. I'm glad I get to see it when I can.

Had he lied, this guy I know, the child would have never trusted him again as completely as before the councilor. That was one of his children. I can't imagine not having the trust of my own, my family, nor being able to return it without worry. I'm like him in that regard, we've both got good families.

One time is all it takes to ruin what has taken years to build. Had he slipped he'd be regretting it for the rest of his life and who knows what ill fate may have befallen the children of parents in whom no trust could be placed.

I suppose, hope, these postings of mine will smooth out. I am not used to explaining. I was once compared to Johnny Appleseed. I've always liked that one. It's a good fit.

[wilomn]

More grit. I think I've got all the fluff taken care of for now. I even found a decent piece I had forgotten about but can't get the darn thing to copy. Oh well, the grit should stay at the top now.